To Care or Not to Care: That is the Question
By
Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Self-care has been a recent buzz phrase and perhaps you, too, have been hearing it tossed around. With the world a buzz, what does it truly mean and why is it a topic for discussion?
According to www.merriam-webster.com self-care is defined as, “care for oneself. Specifically: health care provided by oneself often without the consultation of a medical professional.” The World Health Organization “defines self-care as ‘the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.’” Overall, it comes down to the time and energy that we, as individuals, take to invest in our overall health and well-being.
Now, you may have picked up on that word I threw in – invest. That was purposeful. The time you devote to caring for yourself does play a role in your future self. And that decision will, ultimately, show itself in all the areas surrounding you.
With such a profound impact and importance, why is it that self-care is not as natural as it appears it ought to be?
There may be several barriers at play and the first step to overcoming them will be to acknowledge their presence. For some it may be related to a narrative regarding the amount of time you have to dedicate to such acts. Others may find it uncomfortable because it is something that they have never attempted/thought about in all their “x” years of life. Maybe it feels selfish and guilt plagues your self-care attempts. Alternatively, you may find that on your list of importance, it falls towards the bottom, for some it may not even make the list.
Let’s explore where these narratives come from. Perhaps, your family of origin’s core values place great weight on family or self-sacrifice. Depending on your generation, being immersed in the grind to achieve that dream of a better life was what you witnessed or what you felt was required. For some, it may be rooted in the self-esteem and feeling worthy of it. If you are struggling to figure out the origin, I highly recommend bringing the topic up to your therapist or at the very least, an insightful confidant.
Now that you’ve increased your insight into some core beliefs that you have that are working against your need for self-care, we can talk about ways to reframe those core beliefs. How do you reframe? One way I recommend is listing the facts. Not what your skewed lens determines is fact. I’m talking about certifiable evidence that would hold up in a court of law – proof. For example, perhaps a core belief you found was “unworthy”, but the facts were that your family/friend just told you they loved you or you were just thanked for your invaluable work on a project. When listing your facts do they support the view through your tarnished lens or do they support a counter argument?
Another helpful tool to reframe is allowing yourself to speak to your inner child. That little person is still in there – innocent, vulnerable and deserving. The beliefs that you are selling to your current self, would you propagate that to your inner child? With complete honesty, would you speak to that child and tell them “you don’t deserve to ask for your needs to be met” or “others care and time are more important than you are?” If the answer is “no, I wouldn’t tell that to my inner child,” perhaps that is good indication of what you in the present is deserving of, too.
If your inner defiance is still strong and you need some more convincing as to whether you warrant taking time to care for yourself or not, I encourage you to picture your loved one. Think of someone that you love deeply. Not an obligated love, but a pure love. For some it may be a child or a partner, for others it may be a friend or relative. Now that you have your person in mind, what are your wishes for them? Would you subject them to the starving of self-care you are enduring? Would you encourage them that they are worth loving? What are your actions modeling to them? What do you think their wishes are for you?
At the end of the day, self-care is a form of self-love. Each time we put our needs at the bottom of the list we are moving away from expressing love for ourselves and our well-being. We start to fade. As we slip away, our ability to show up for those that we love, to engage in that work project we really want to nail or to be able to be present for that awesome event we were invited to, dwindles. There is a very concrete reason the flight attendants advise you to put on your own mask before you help those around you. If you are losing oxygen, the amount of people you would be able to help or be present for significantly decreases. The minute we allow ourselves to have oxygen (aka pour into our own cup) we begin to increase our ability to show up for the people and the events that matter to us.
So, if you were looking for a sign to give yourself permission to care and love yourself HERE IS YOUR SIGN!
Start practicing that self-care. Make it intentional – schedule time for yourself – actually put it on your calendar. If you are using an electronic calendar – set an alarm. You can start out small if a large chunk of time seems uncomfortable at first – 15 minutes. Then pick an activity that is solely for you. Go for a run, read a chapter in that book you’ve been dying to, sit outside in the sun or shade and breathe, listen to the podcast you’ve been interested in, take an indulgent shower/bath, go for a drive with the windows down blasting your favorite tunes, sign up for that hobby class, watch those animal or human fail videos, turn your phone on do not disturb, say “no” to that extra activity you don’t actually have time for (yes – saying “no” is a form of self-care!), cook that meal you’ve wanted to try or get a massage/facial.
Whatever you choose remember it is not to please or fulfill anyone else. Not this time. This is for you and that little human inside of you. You are both worth it!
Works Cited
World Health Organization. “What do we mean by self-care?” World Health Organization, 15 June 2018. www. who.int/news-room/feature-stories/detail/what-do-we-mean-by-self-care.
