30 Going on 13
By
Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Now if you have graduated to adulthood, congratulations on making it through those really trying adolescent years. For many, those years might have been filled with lots of drama navigating not only your own ever-changing brain but dealing with peers with just the same immaturity. Were you under the impression that once you had made it to the “older and wiser” stage you would, also, be surrounded by peers that met those same growth milestones? Have you found that maybe that is not the case for everyone in your community?
Navigating this teenage drama at any age is a difficult task. It can feel especially frustrating when you feel like you have finally reached an age that science tells us we have the capacity to handle these issues in a mature and respectable way but you find that isn’t the case. Is that so much to ask? Sometimes, it might feel like it is a tall ask from others. Maybe they are friends you have just made. Maybe they are friends you have had in your life since your teenage years. Maybe they are family members. Whichever category they fit in you have got some tough decisions to make.
If you have recently been doing some personal work, trying to grow into the healthier, more evolved you (yay, you!) then it can feel like a heavy weight when you are met with this regressing behavior. Let’s talk about some ways to traverse this obstacle so you can keep your upward trajectory.
I want to start by acknowledging your growth in even identifying this is a behavior you would like to move away from personally and in those you surround yourself with. In my anecdotal and professional experience, I strongly believe that it is true – it is easier to work towards a goal when those that you surround yourself with are working towards those same goals or lifting you up on your path. (Think the net scene in Finding Nemo) So, when you have that resistance present in your community it can really be counterproductive.
You now have some choices to make – you can feed into it, make excuses for it, ignore it or setup some boundaries to address it. Likely, the first two will leave you feeling that frustration I talked about above versus the growth you may be wanting in your life. For some, depending where you are in your life, you may only have the mental/emotional capacity to ignore. If that is what you need in that moment, practice that self-care and tackle this challenge on a day when you are more emotionally balanced. It will likely be more constructive in that headspace, too!
When you are ready to practice some boundaries – let’s get working! (Note: I do use that word “working” specifically because setting boundaries you or your friends/family are not used to will likely feel just as uncomfortable as those physical growing pains you experienced during those adolescent years.) First up, communicating your boundaries in a healthy, respectful way. That is a key component for building those assertive boundaries – respect for yourself and others, being mindful that your expectations are not too rigid or unrealistic. When you are communicating it will be important that you are coming from a place of ownership of your wants and needs and steering clear from blaming statements. Nothing adds more fuel to a fire than the accusatory, finger-pointing! While you are practicing those ownership statements, think about the definition of that boundary line and where you would like your interactions to be able to grow to. Thinking about it in the frames of hopes and dreams on how you can partner with this person on this journey. Doing it that way can invite them to grow with you. Who doesn’t like a warm invitation?
If you have, honestly (remember that ownership piece), done your best to communicate in a healthy way, inviting your friend/family member to traverse this self-improvement path with you and they do not appear to be receptive, you have an important decision to make. I would challenge you to sit in an honest, reflective manner and determine if this relationship is serving your growth or doing you harm. If you have come to the decision that it is doing harm, next you can reflect on if there are ways you can construct your boundaries that you are able to have this person in your life while not allowing that relationship to harm your health and well-being. For some that might mean limiting your interaction with them. Others might feel comfortable respectfully communicating that if those unhealthy behaviors are going to be in play you will excuse yourself from the situation and leave/end the conversation in favor of your sanity.
In your reflection, if you have come to the conclusion that you cannot construct your boundaries in a way that has you continuing the relationship or maybe you have tried the above and this person continues to forcibly cross your boundaries you may move to considering parting ways permanently. This may or may not be an easy conclusion. If you are grappling with it – that is completely understandable. Especially, if it is a relationship that you have special memories with or you have invested a lot of time, sweat and tears in. Or maybe it is a relationship that society or cultural/religious beliefs have engrained in you should not be broken. I have seen all of those reasons come into play. They are valid!
So, what will it take for you to choose yourself and your well-being? What will it take for you to take care of you so that you can be present for the other relationships in your life that are supporting you and your efforts?
It may be a foreign concept for you to think about those things above. To choose you. To choose growth. To choose healthier change. If you have decided this is your next step, it is okay to give yourself permission to choose those things above. It does not have to be laced with judgment, shame or guilt. You can give yourself permission to let that go, as well.
When I used regularly run a therapy group, I had a client bring up the poem “A Reason, Season or Lifetime” by an Unknown Author. They talked a lot about how the poem helped them reframe their perspective on relationships in their life that they had kept or had to let go of. Instead of feeling consumed with excuses, it was a way that they were able to validate the role and value the relationship had in their life and thank it for those purposes when it had reached its end. Please don’t mistake this reframing with the idea that it is easy or that there will not be feelings of sadness or grief. There will likely be all sorts of emotions that come with ending this chapter and they may come in waves that slowly get more calm over time. However, it is possible to attain.
If you have one of these relationships in your life, I encourage you to sit with it and get open with an accurate assessment – is it serving to support you in the life that you are working so hard to cultivate? If the answer is “no,” you are allowed to validate what you have received out of the relationship, however minute it may seem, thank the relationship for whatever purpose it may have served and wish that person well for their future as you let that relationship go and move into your awaiting healthier future.
