Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By
Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

There are several life changes that a person might experience as they grow up. A big one that comes up in adulthood is the transition to becoming a parent. That transition can create a LOT of growing pains. One that I’d like to call attention to is the struggle between being home with your new and growing family or returning/starting work.

If you are one of the many parents struggling with this decision and the onslaught of emotions that come with that, know that you are NOT alone. Especially with the current going rate that it takes to raise a family and have a chance at living a comfortable life, sometimes you may not even have a choice. Returning to work may be the only option. Whether it is out of necessity or choice, it does not mean that there is any less internal turmoil.

Perhaps societal stigma may be perpetuating the internal uproar. With the roots that run deep within our society, it would be no surprise if this one might be impacting you. Some common ones that I hear: “Dads need to be providing for your family”; “Moms ought to be taking care of the kids and the home”; “That’s so nice that their parent is actually (insert any word involving caring for the children) them”; or “The kids will turn out (insert negative comment) when the parent is absent.” For some it could, also, be an external pressure from friends and family regarding your duties pro or against that have you feeling that struggle.

For others, maybe you are feeling an internal pressure to perform in some way shape or form. Do you find yourself comparing your life to that person you follow on social media - “so and so can do it. I should be able to do it too.” Or maybe you have piles of debt reminding you of the years towards a certain degree or certification that it feels wasteful to “not be using it.” Perhaps you just read a “study” that “x% children do better when their parents are present for them by doing y.” Some may even find you are blaming yourself for every acting out behavior displayed from your child, “it must be because I chose to do x.”

Any of these sound familiar? If they do, know that you are not alone. I’ve found these notions are perpetually feeding into the guilt, shame and worry that may be associated with having a family and going/returning to work. No wonder it is such an uncomfortable decision!

So, how do we grapple with this discomfort and navigate through it?

First, please hear me when I say, again – you are NOT alone. (Has it stuck yet?) And if anyone tries to tell you differently, I would question the level of insight and self-awareness they may have to say they have never dealt with any ounce of doubt or struggle regarding their decision on this topic. All that to say – if someone has the “perfect” life, please take it with a grain of salt. Filters do not only exist on social media platforms. People can have them within the lens they choose to view themselves through and some may not be ready to turn off that filter – that is their choice. Just as it is your choice, if you are ready to work through it versus ignoring, denying or burying.

Next, let’s find a way to take a look at the core beliefs and emotions that may be coming up as you work through this decision (working to free your lens of judgment). What do you believe it says about you when you choose to stay/work? Where does that belief stem from for you? When you view yourself in that manner, what emotions come up? What is it about that emotion(s) that feel uncomfortable?

These questions may be really tough to answer honestly – that makes sense! These are not your everyday conversation questions. The importance of answering the questions honestly, and without judgment, is because in order to work through it we have to first understand the function of it, the role it plays.

Contrary to what many believe, emotions are there to alert us that something is coming up for us. Our body is trying to tell us something. Now we’ve got to learn to listen!

Then examining what core belief those emotions are stemming from, can help us comprehend what the root is. Now that we have acknowledged the presence of that belief, we can make decisions on how we want to move forward. Will we continue to feed that core belief or is it one you are interested in reframing?

How do you reframe, you ask? Let’s do a fact check! For example, maybe your core belief is “I’m inadequate.” Then when you fact check, you find that in reality you have more evidence supporting you ARE enough versus your feelings of inadequacy. Evidence that your struggle does come from a place of love for yourself and your family versus a place of selfishness or “laziness.” If you are struggling to fact check, this is a wonderful opportunity to explore with your therapist (or a trusted confidant if you have not found yourself a therapist, yet). As you process, this person can assist you in realistically examining the facts versus the critical lens we are often very good at looking through. What actual evidence do you have that supports your current core belief and how does that evidence contradict the current belief and support an alternative?

In addition to the internal work above that you are doing, get real with the external pressures that may be at play. Once you’ve identified some of the culprits, what boundaries may be useful to set to limit the power those external pressures have? Maybe that means, unfollowing that person you are constantly comparing yourself to. Perhaps, it will involve having an assertive conversation with that family/friend about how you feel and how you would like to grow your relationship into one filled with nurture and support versus pressure and judgment. Remember, effective boundaries are ones that you can hold consistently (not rigidly), respecting yourself, and communicated in a respectful way to those you are holding them with (and don’t forget – sometimes they will be boundaries that you are holding yourself to, as well).

Now that you’ve got a better understanding of the function of the emotions that are coming up for you and you’ve got some boundaries constructed to help protect your well-being, it is time to start actively practicing the challenging of the negative core beliefs and asserting the boundaries. Just like with any skill, the more you practice the more natural it will become.

And at the end of the day, hopefully you can look at it through the lens you are viewing your beautifully growing family with. If your child(ren) came back to you with the same turmoil or core beliefs, how would you hold them through it? And if the answer is – “with compassion and love” I would challenge you to offer yourself the same grace. Trust me – you ARE worth it!