Forgive and Forget?

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

 “Forgive and forget” – who has heard this one? Is this really a thing? For some it may be a mantra that you live by.

What if I posited a reframe. Instead of the former, what if we reframe it into the idea of process and learn.

            First, let me start off by addressing the elephant in the room. Do I really have to forgive? Absolutely not! You get to make that decision for yourself. That would be unrealistic of me to issue that decree. Forgiveness is not something we owe. Period. Let’s scrap the idea of the should and the have to’s. Instead, taking on the empowerment that you have responsibility and control in your decisions.

            That said, I would challenge you in examining how holding onto the injury is serving you. Are you still trudging around with unresolved resentments? Are emotions from that event being triggered in the future? The stew that has been boiling – is it fulfilling and leaving you satiated? If the answers are “no,” might I suggest exploring the process and learn reframe?

            In my experience, so much of our society puts value on the forgiveness piece and defines that it looks like: accepting the situation; accepting that life/universe happens; accepting “that’s just the way this person is”; life’s too short so you should just get over it. If you’ve dealt with your fair share of empty apologies and continued injuries (physical, emotional or mental) then you may find yourself having a very visceral reaction to this ascription of what you should be doing. And it makes sense as to why you would.

            This definition appears to give a pass to the person or situation, excusing it or rendering the person powerless. Which in turn, can demonstrate invalidation of injury and the depth of pain that resulted. I have not met a single person who is content in invalidation, truly. If that’s the case, why is the “forgive and forget” model so pervasive? Perhaps that is why there is so much emotional and mental distress in the world. It’s easier to sweep it under the rug than process and learn from the situation and then hold each other accountable for growth and change.

            The difficulty with that thought process, even though it is “out of sight” it’s not “out of mind” really. The body remembers. (Bessel van der Kolk has a great book on it The Body Keeps Score.) Which is why themes of it, likely come up in other areas of your life whether you are conscious of them or not.

            So how do we process? The first step would be to check-in with yourself on whether or not you are in an emotionally regulated head space to begin to process. If not, I’d recommend practicing self-soothing. This will look different for each person. Here are a few ideas: practice mindfulness; engage your senses; deep breathing; practice self-care (consult with your therapist on methods that are healthiest for you).

            Once you are in a regulated space, take a look at the events (without judgment) and try to identify what the injury was. Were boundaries violated? Was there a rupture in trust? Do you feel invalidated? Really allowing yourself to identify the emotions coming up and giving yourself permission to understand what your emotions are trying to communicate to you. These topics are not easy. Speaking with a professional can be important in supporting your exploration in a way that is safe and productive.

            After the injury is identified, you may choose to use assertive communication to discuss with the person(s) that were involved in causing the injury using your “I” statements. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have a great formula of “I feel (your emotion) … about what (facts of the events)… I need.” (For others, communicating with the offender may be unsafe. If that’s the case, your safety is key! Skip this step.) That “I need” portion is an important step in you examining what changes you are needing to move towards the learning component and begin the journey to healing that injury. An example of this: the injury is – someone talked poorly about you behind your back; “I felt betrayed when I learned that you told Jane Doe you hated my personality. I need to feel safe in my relationships and would greatly appreciate if you talked to me directly if you are having issues with me so that we can discuss it in a way that our relationship can grow and deepen.” Notice that the need was framed in a way that invites the listener to join you on this path of healing and healthier ways of interaction versus an “I just need you to stop being a bad friend.”

            Now that you have processed the injury and identified your needs in the situation that will allow you to heal and grow for a healthier, more adjusted future self, you’re ready to start stepping into the learn portion. You’re learning about yourself and your core values. Values that you want to live by and surround yourself with. Internally, it will allow you to role model those values to those around you. Showing others how you would like to be respected through demonstration of that respect. If you have communicated your needs, it is then observing have they accepted your invitation for learning healthier practices? Do the actions back up the words coming out of their mouth? If the injuries occur, again, are you prepared to follow through with the boundaries you have set? Are you prepared to walk away (metaphorically or literally)?

            The “I’m sorry now you can forgive me and we can just forget about this whole thing” opens the door to continued injuries in the relationship and seething resentment that builds, eventually, leaking out in unintended areas. My challenge to you, in this new year, is to start the conversation of tuning into what your emotions and needs are, communicating those within your relationships and helping hold each other responsible for the continued behaviors and moving towards actual change, healing and growth. You are worth it!