Is This Thing On?

When is the last time you felt truly heard? How about the last time you truly listened without your own agenda? If you have been able to master assertive communication and achieved gold status listening skills – great work! If you think there is room for improvement, I encourage you to read on.

            If you find yourself falling into the majority, you probably have encountered occasions where you are trying to communicate and it feels like no one is listening. Whether it is in your home life setting, at work, within your friend circle or just out in public. For some, the listening is done as a means to prepare to react. Others, to begin developing a game plan to problem-solve. I’m guilty of it, too! It seems many excel at the selective listening component. Guilty, again! Even as a therapist, it is a minutely exercise and intentional decision to use active listening. And it is not easy.

            The difficulty you may have experienced when it feels like no one is listening is it can feel invalidating and devaluing. When we don’t feel listened to it can create distress that stems from feelings that your boundaries are being violated or your core values are not being honored. That is an incredibly uncomfortable position to sit in. From that discomfort, it is prime realty for defensiveness or detachment to brew. Maybe you have even seen that play out for yourself.

            So what do we do now?

            First thing to note, as much as you wish you could – we cannot change other people. We can invite them to join in on the journey to healthier skills and behaviors, we can take responsibility for making sure we are assertively communicating and we can role model. However, there will be some that are not interested. That’s where setting boundaries with a clear plan of action can be extremely important to safeguard your hard work and wellbeing.

            Before continuing, I want to take a moment to clarify assertive communication. What I mean by that is clearly communicating your needs in a way that takes ownership that they are your needs and providing a road map to what you would need in order to have them met. Throwing passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive styles out the window. They are not what we are striving for here. Nor is it expecting someone to read your mind or “just know” leaving them to work off of assumptions. Leave the blaming at the door and move forward with your “I” statements. One formula I like from Drs. John and Julie Gottman: “I feel (emotion words) about what (facts not judgments/opinions) and I need (expressing a positive need).”

            Now let’s talk about how to role model active listening. Great physical cues consist of good eye contact, open body posture (relaxed seating and turning towards the speaker) and leaning in. Next, is intentionally pausing your agenda. The goal of active listening isn’t to win the conversation or to activate “hero mode.” It is to temporarily set aside your internal preoccupation to allow yourself to be a participant in the speaker’s world. Then demonstrating your engagement by checking in with the speaker using startups like “I heard you say … did I get that right?” And allowing them to provide any needed corrections. This allows them the opportunity to confirm their intention was received and comprehended. It, also, allows you to be able to appropriately respond from an informed position versus off of assumptions or personal interpretations.

            Taking it a step further, if you are prone to reactive listening or immediately going to problem-solving, what if when someone came to talk to you, after you checked in with them, you approached them with “How can I best support you in this moment?” That’s it! And you let them tell you if they are looking to vent, to feel supported or for problem-solving. Have you ever had an experience in which you were just wanting to vent without any input? And maybe felt frustrated that someone kept jumping in to give you advice. What if, instead, you were met with someone who said that to you? Imagine if, together, we could make that the normal response. The shift in agenda!

            What do you say? Are you up to the challenge to put forth intention in the way we listen to those around us – from the children in our lives to the adults? And go ahead – share this with anyone who you’d like to invite to join you on this journey towards improving the way we as a family member, friend, community and world show up for each other.

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist