Let’s Talk About S-E-X, Baby!
For a long time, the topic of sex has been a taboo subject for many people. So much so, that it has led to a propensity to avoid the topic altogether. And that avoidance can really wreak havoc on a romantic relationship. So … let’s talk about SEX!
What’s so important about this topic that it is worth the effort to get comfortable with? Sex is a real subject that comes up in romantic partnerships. Whether it is an unspoken topic that leads to pent up resentments or frustrations, to one that allows you to build closeness with one another. There is a role that it plays, and we can have a say in what kind of role it has.
First let’s talk about getting to know yourself! Before we can fully communicate with a partner we will need to know, for ourselves, what we are bringing into the relationship. Is this a traumatic topic for you based on your past experiences? If this is something you identify with, please know that you are not alone, you are not at fault and healing is possible. It will take processing and recovery as it can impact your satisfaction and comfort when the experience is stuffed down or avoided (if you would like support, please contact us). Another consideration is, what messages have you received about the topic throughout your life that may be informing your perception or biases? Does your upbringing or religious beliefs influence your opinion on the matter? Maybe you are consistently idealizing that fictitious love story you read/saw over and over? Or perhaps pornography has given you high expectations of what sex “should” look like? Whatever your background is, awareness will be the first step and then, if there is work to be done, you will have more clarity on areas of focus.
Once you know a bit more of the psychological component that you are bringing in, getting to know your needs and wants in a sexual encounter is up next. What are your desires? How about your fantasies? Do you need warm-up time and therefore value foreplay? Have you explored what motions or spots bring you greatest pleasure? Have you or do you want to explore toys? Are you open to other settings besides in a bed? Are you open to other means of pleasure besides intercourse? Do you want to cuddle afterwards? The more that you are aware of your wants and needs, the easier it is to communicate with your partner(s) and increase the chances of those getting met.
Now that you’ve explored you … let’s talk about your consensual partner(s). Especially at the beginning stages of a relationship, it can be common to dive right in with sexual intimacy. It can be fun and exciting, why slow it down with talking?! The issues that can arise is that becomes the mindset … sex is sex, why do we need to talk about it? It’s pretty straight forward … right? Well, maybe not as much as we would hope. Many partners may tend to keep all their thoughts or desires quiet for fear of ruining the fun or judgment. Or they feign enjoyment out of obligation. Without pausing to talk and allow for space to get to know your partner(s) we may keep operating as usual and miss the chance to really fulfill or experience pleasure. So, when is the last time that you came up for air and provided a safe space, free of judgment, to get to know each other’s sexual needs, wants or desires? Ask them what moves or positions they like. Ask them about their fantasies. Other ways you can continue the conversation is allowing them the opportunity to show you what they want or how to touch them in a way that meets their needs. Approach it from a place of curiosity. Could you show me where/how you want me to touch you? Where would you like to be kissed? You’ll be surprised at how making space for getting to know each other can intensify pleasure and passion.
Now that we’ve gotten a bit more comfortable with the two above, the key will be making these check-ins regular. Not only will regular check-ins lend itself to making the topic less taboo, but it can help you stay connected as you age and grow. The facts are that our bodies do change as we get older (spoiler alert!) and with striving for self-growth, so will our minds. That means that our perceptions, thoughts, needs and desires can evolve over time. Perhaps we discovered this new technique or position that we are curious about. Or due to biological differences our areas of stimulation have migrated. Without regular discussions about your relationships inner, sexual world we could risk getting stuck in complacency, operating under an old instruction manual, potentially, leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled and/or resentful. So get curious and stay curious. The conversation does not have to be limited to “bedroom time.” Get creative! Make it into a “20 questions” game or reserve a date night for that to be the topic of conversation. The important part is that you and your partner(s) are making an investment into growing and nurturing your relationship with one another, strengthening it for the future!
So get on out there and start breaking down those barriers to being able to safely talk about your needs and desires. Your relationships are worth it!
By
Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
