Forgiveness. Is it More Than Saying Sorry?

            Making amends can be a difficult task. Whether you’ve recently been told that your apology didn’t have the impact you were hoping for or you have been thinking about trying to own up for a mistake you made, I know that it can be a challenge. Especially, if you did not grow up in an environment that was keen on apologies or maybe doled out empty apologies like they were quick fixes, you may not know what it consists of or how to go about a meaningful one. Trust me, you would not be the first. It does not mean that you do not have the capability to make meaningful amends. If you are ready, read on for some tips that I’ve gathered to work towards earning forgiveness.

            Did you catch that last sentence there?! I used the word earning specifically because it is hard work and forgiveness is not guaranteed. All we can control is how we show up. And you do get a say in that! You get to decide if it is worth your time to put in effort instead of resting on complacency or on “I don’t know what I don’t know.”

            The first step to making amends will be having insight and awareness. The easy answer can definitely be “well, I can’t change if no one tells me what needs to change” and you throw your hands up and never move towards change or growth. Insight and awareness are skills that will need to be cultivated, practiced and honed. That starts with being mindful when our defenses start to rise up and turn off our capacity to truly listen to feedback and allow space for the vulnerability that comes with owning the fact that we are not perfect, and we make mistakes. A great way to increase this mindfulness is noticing when we feel ourselves moving from listening with interest to listening to react. At the beginning of learning these skills, it can be a great asset to reflect on it with a trusted confidant who is skilled at monitoring their own biases and/or your professional clinician. I’ve had many a clients come into the therapy space saying, “I’m not sure how or what needs to change but I want to find out” and then are willing to do the work to explore these areas.

            The next steps are letting that person(s) know that their complaints were heard, validating their emotional experience, taking responsibility for your actions and providing a genuine apology.

            A great way to help the speaker feel heard is through summarizing and checking in. Start with saying “I heard you say …” and provide a summary of the main thoughts and emotions that you heard them express. Then check-in to make sure that you captured it completely by saying “did I get that right?” Allow a safe space for them to provide corrections.

            Once you are both on the same page that what you heard was what was intended, find the components in what they expressed that you can empathize with. Please note, empathizing and validating are NOT synonymous with someone being right and the other is wrong. Validating is purely about putting yourself in their “shoes” and expressing empathy and compassion for their plight. For example, if they are saying they felt “hurt,” “unloved” or “disrespected” it can be really easy for defensiveness to chime in and retort with “nuh uh. You know I love you” or “I didn’t hurt you.” The difficulty with that is it can feel incredibly invalidating and dismissive of the vulnerable feelings they are trying to let you in on. Instead, we can put ourselves in their “shoes” and think about a time that we felt “hurt,” “unloved” or “disrespected” and empathize with the fact that it didn’t feel good when we experienced similar emotions and respond with something like “oh wow! Feeling unloved sounds really lonely.” or “I can definitely appreciate that feeling disrespected would be very frustrating.”

            Now here can be the tricky part. Even if our intention was not to do those things, it does not mean that was not the impact or how it was received. THAT is what we are taking responsibility and apologizing for. Again, it can be really easy to say “well, that wasn’t what I meant so I don’t need to apologize for that. That’s on you and how you received it.” Tying yourself to that mindset will likely only intensify relationship injuries and increase your relationship distance. So, you get to decide how you want to show up in your relationship and the mindset you choose to act from. Instead, try “I’m sorry that the words I used hurt you” or “I apologize that my actions left you feeling unloved.” It needs to be truthful to your thoughts and feelings to increase the depth and meaning instead of being empty and meaningless.

            The final steps are working on reflecting, reparations and change. As we start to increase insight and awareness, we can then take meaningful time to reflect on the interaction or event working to look at it honestly instead of leading with defensiveness. Again, if you are new to this it can be helpful to seek support from an individual who can look at the situation with non-biases (an echo chamber will not move us towards growth, only stir the pot).

Next, if there is a way to rectify the situation or make up for the harm caused, take appropriate steps to do so. This may involve replacing something that was damaged, offering to help in some way, or providing compensation if applicable.

Lastly, is working to make actual, meaningful and lasting change in behaviors and actions. When there are apologies for the same behaviors or actions repeatedly, the apologies lose their believability and impact. Instead, demonstrate that you are committed to change by identifying and addressing any underlying issues or negative patterns of behavior that contributed to the harm. Use your reflections as an opportunity for personal growth. Understand the consequences of your actions and strive to be more mindful and considerate in your interactions with others.

            Remember, making amends is not always possible or guaranteed to mend relationship injuries. We cannot control the other person. However, you can take responsibility for your actions through listening and validating, offering a sincere apology and making positive changes in your behavior. These are crucial steps toward reconciliation and personal growth for your wellbeing and the health of your relationships.

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist