Navigating the Rollercoaster of Infertility and Miscarriage: A Compassionate Guide for Couples

So, you’re trying to start a family. You've imagined the cute baby clothes, the family trips, and maybe even decided on names. But then, life throws you a curveball in the form of infertility or miscarriage, and suddenly, you’re not the couple who’s picking out nursery colors—you’re the couple who’s learning way too much about ovulation tracking, hormone levels, and fertility clinic waitlists. It’s okay to say it: This. Is. Hard.

Infertility and Miscarriage Are Relationship Quakes

First, let’s just acknowledge the emotional earthquake that infertility and miscarriage can cause in a relationship. The ground beneath you feels unstable, and even the strongest partnerships can feel tested. You’re likely feeling a mix of grief, frustration, anxiety, and maybe even guilt, despite knowing deep down that none of this is your fault. If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yes, that’s me,” take a deep breath. It’s normal to feel all of these things. It does not make you a failure, weak, or that something is wrong with you.

Communication: The Glue (or Duct Tape) That Holds You Together

When things get tough, it’s easy to shut down or retreat to your separate corners (which, let’s be honest, is often just the couch and the bedroom). But here’s the thing—this is the time to lean in. Talk. Share. Yes, even about the messy stuff, like how disappointed you are, how unfair it feels, or how you hate that you can’t seem to look at a baby without tearing up. You’re both in the same boat, even if you feel like you’re rowing in different directions some days.

Pro tip: If talking feels too heavy, write your feelings down for each other. It can be a gentle way to open the door to deeper conversations.

The Blame Game is a No-Go

Infertility can make you feel like you're auditioning for a role in a drama you didn’t sign up for. One partner might be blaming their body, the other might be wondering what they could’ve done differently, and suddenly, there’s tension where there used to be fun date nights and silly inside jokes. Here’s a truth bomb: Blame doesn’t solve anything. And if your relationship is starting to feel like a courtroom drama, it might be time to pause and regroup.

Remember, you’re a team. You’re both hurting, and the best way to heal is by holding each other up, not pointing fingers.

Take Care of the "Us"

When you're in the thick of fertility treatments or after a miscarriage, it can feel like the relationship itself has taken a backseat. And who can blame you? It’s hard to feel romantic when your day-to-day is filled with doctor’s appointments and hormone shots. But it’s important to remember that before you were trying for a baby, you were you. A couple with dreams, inside jokes, and shared Netflix queues.

Try to carve out some time for each other that has nothing to do with fertility talk. Go on a random date night, binge-watch your favorite trash TV, or even just take a walk. Reconnect with the “us” that exists outside of all the trying.

Grieve How You Need To

Everyone grieves differently, and that’s okay. If one of you needs to cry it out while the other needs to be distracted with a movie marathon, respect each other’s coping mechanisms. There’s no “right” way to grieve—there’s only your way. The important thing is to be there for each other, even if that means sitting quietly and holding hands through the tough moments.

When It’s All Too Much, Ask for Help

Let’s be real: Fertility struggles and loss are a LOT to handle on your own. And sometimes, despite your best efforts, the emotional weight can start to feel like too much. It’s okay to seek help from a therapist or counselor (hey, that’s what they’re there for!). Sometimes an outside perspective can help you process your grief, mend the cracks in your relationship, and give you tools to keep moving forward.

Finding Humor in the Chaos

Infertility and miscarriage are serious topics, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for laughter. In fact, sometimes humor is exactly what you need to remind yourself that you’re still you. Laugh at the absurdity of peeing on sticks every morning, joke about the ridiculous acronyms (TTC, IVF, DPO… seriously, who’s keeping track?), or share a “what the heck” moment from the latest fertility appointment. Humor can be a powerful tool for lightening the emotional load and helping you and your partner bond through the craziness.

You’re Stronger Than You Think

When you’re in the middle of fertility struggles or grieving a miscarriage, it can feel like you’ll never get out of the tunnel. But here’s the thing: you’re stronger than you think. The fact that you’re facing this together says a lot about your relationship. It’s okay to stumble, cry, and feel overwhelmed, but remember to give yourselves credit for the love and resilience you bring to this incredibly difficult journey.

Closing Thoughts

Infertility and miscarriage aren’t just tough on your emotions—they can strain even the strongest relationships. But through the heartbreak, frustration, and endless doctor’s visits, you’re still a team. Lean on each other, laugh when you can, cry when you need to, and know that, no matter what, you’re not alone. And hey, whether or not the baby comes, you’ve already created something pretty incredible: a relationship that’s weathered one heck of a storm and come out stronger.

Now go grab some ice cream or a drink—after all, you both deserve it.

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist