Breaking the Cycle: How to Parent When You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents

Parenting is hard enough as it is. But what happens when you’re trying to raise healthy, emotionally secure children while navigating your own complicated relationship with your childhood? You might feel like you’re re-parenting yourself at the same time. Breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma is no small feat, especially when your own upbringing was a masterclass in what not to do. But here's the good news—you’re here, you’re reading this, and you’re trying. And that’s a win. So, let’s talk about how you can be the parent you needed when you were a kid.

Growing Up with Emotionally Immature Parents

First things first—let’s acknowledge the reality: growing up with emotionally immature parents can feel like being raised by teenagers trapped in adult bodies. You know, the kind of parents who didn’t quite grasp the whole "talk about your feelings" thing and thought that yelling or stonewalling counted as conflict resolution.

Instead of modeling healthy relationships or offering emotional support, they often left you navigating the choppy waters of childhood solo. And now, here you are, trying to figure out how to guide your own kids through life’s emotional rollercoaster without falling back on the habits you learned growing up. It’s like trying to build a spaceship with Ikea instructions—but don’t worry, it’s possible!

Acknowledging Your Own Trauma (Without Letting It Define You)

Breaking the cycle starts with recognizing what you went through. Maybe your parents were quick to dismiss your feelings or never really offered you the stability and safety you craved. It’s okay to acknowledge that hurt—actually, it’s essential.

But here’s the kicker: recognizing your trauma doesn’t mean it has to define you as a parent. Think of it as the family heirloom you never wanted, but now that you’ve got it, you can decide whether to pass it on. Spoiler alert: You don’t have to. You get to be the parent who listens, the parent who is patient, the parent who isn’t perfect, but who tries.

You Don’t Have to Be a Perfect Parent (Just a Present One)

It’s easy to get caught in the trap of thinking you need to do everything right to make up for what you didn’t have. But the reality is, perfection isn’t the goal—presence is. Your parents may have been emotionally checked out, but you have the opportunity to show up, even on the days when you’re running on coffee and patience fumes.

When your kid is having a meltdown because their favorite cup is dirty, you might be tempted to react the way your parents did—snapping, shutting down, or maybe throwing your hands up in frustration. Instead, take a deep breath (or ten) and remind yourself that their big emotions need your calm, not your chaos.

Learning to Regulate Your Own Emotions (Because Kids Are Experts at Pushing Buttons)

One of the hardest parts of breaking intergenerational trauma is learning to regulate your own emotions—especially when your upbringing didn’t exactly set you up with the best tools. Kids have a knack for pushing every single button you didn’t know you had, and that’s when the old habits start to creep in.

Here’s the thing: regulating your emotions doesn’t mean never losing your cool. It means learning to recognize when you’re about to flip out and finding ways to calm yourself down before you say something you’ll regret. Whether it’s taking a few deep breaths, stepping outside for a moment, or mentally reminding yourself that you’re breaking the cycle with every calm response, these little shifts make a huge difference over time.

Reparenting Yourself Along the Way

Here’s the fun part: while you’re parenting your kids, you’re also re-parenting yourself. It sounds deep because it is deep. You’re giving your inner child the love, patience, and emotional support they never got. When you choose to listen to your kid’s feelings instead of dismissing them, you’re also healing the part of you that was never really heard.

It’s an ongoing process, and yes, some days will be harder than others. But every time you choose to respond differently than your parents did, you’re building a healthier emotional foundation for both you and your children.

Boundaries: A Must-Have for Cycle Breakers

Speaking of emotional foundations, let’s talk about boundaries. If your parents didn’t model healthy boundaries, the concept might feel foreign—or even uncomfortable. But here’s the truth: boundaries are key to breaking the cycle.

When you set boundaries with your kids, you’re teaching them that it’s okay to have limits and that respecting others' space and emotions is essential. More importantly, when you set boundaries with your parents or other family members, you’re protecting your own emotional well-being. Whether it’s limiting contact with a toxic family member or standing firm in your parenting choices, boundaries help you create a healthier, more balanced life for you and your family.

Forgive Yourself for the Learning Curve

Look, no one gets this parenting thing right 100% of the time. You’re going to make mistakes, sometimes big ones. And that’s okay. The important thing is that you’re trying—trying to show up, trying to do better, trying to heal. So when you slip up (because, spoiler, you will), forgive yourself. Repair any ruptures with your kids, and remind yourself that even the most “perfect” parents aren’t immune to the occasional facepalm moment.

Breaking the cycle is hard work, but every misstep is a learning opportunity. You’re doing something incredibly brave, and your kids are lucky to have a parent who’s so dedicated to breaking unhealthy patterns.

Breaking Intergenerational Trauma One Hug at a Time

At the end of the day, breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present, being patient (with yourself and your kids), and being willing to grow. Your parents may not have given you the emotional tools you needed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t create a healthier legacy for your children.

So the next time your child looks at you with big, teary eyes, and your first instinct is to react the way your parents did, pause. Take a deep breath. Give yourself a mental high-five for doing the work. Then, go ahead and give your kid that hug they need. Because here’s the beautiful truth—you’re breaking the cycle, one moment of compassion at a time.

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist