“Stop! In the Name of Love”

The holiday season can be a precipitant to increased stress and boundary struggles. Some explanations could be a result of increased family or friend interactions that can come with holidays that have societal pressures. Setting boundaries with those closest to you can be one of the most difficult feats. Especially, if these are boundaries that have never been set before and are incongruent with the patterns of interaction that have taken place prior to this point.

Before we get too far in, let’s clarify what a boundary is. A boundary is a limit that is defined and set to protect safety and wellbeing. The most successful boundaries contain the following elements: they are thoughtful, purposeful and not reactionary; clear outline of limit and how you need it honored; assertive communication around the consequences of respecting or not respecting those limits; there is space for flexibility as it is safe and comfortable; and consistent and repeated follow-through.

Now that’s clarified, I want to break the stigma … boundaries ARE healthy and necessary. Although they can, absolutely, feel uncomfortable for both the speaker and the listener it can be a great way to fortify and strengthen your relationship. With boundaries it allows space for each party in the relationship to feel heard and satisfied. When all in the relationship feel secure it can support the relationship flourishing.

So for this holiday season, we’ve put together some helpful tips to assist you in navigating this time and, hopefully, decrease the stress you may feel.

1.     Look at YOUR thoughts and feelings about this holiday season and be mindful of what are your own beliefs and what is important to you versus what you may feel expected to think/feel.

2.     If you are coming up against expectations of others, take a moment to check-in with how you are feeling about those expectations. If it feels uncomfortable, your body may be trying to tell you that it may be going against a limit or a value that is important to you.

3.     Once you’ve identified the limit or value that your body is making you aware of, utilize that information to determine how you would need to move forward to honor that value or limit.

4.     Outline what it would look like if that value/limit were respected – be specific!

5.     Walk it out – if this is honored what would the consequences be (e.g. “I would feel respected or valued in this relationship.”). Also, note the opposite if it not honored (e.g. “I may feel unsafe and may be resistant to engaging in this relationship.”).

6.     Respectfully communicate to the person(s) what the boundary is that you would like to set and why it is important to you, provide a clearly outlined roadmap of what the expectations are in how it is respected, inform them of the consequences and be prepared to follow-through.

7.     Know that you may need to remind or reiterate. The key will be consistency. Mixed messages are confusing!

8.     Remember that saying “no” can be a part of you setting a limit … as in, “no, I don’t think I will attend this year.”

We know that setting boundaries are difficult. Remember that if we stick with the above, it can come from a place of love for yourself and your relationships. And don’t forget, boundaries go both ways, too!

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist