Mythbusting: Don’t Go to Bed Angry
Why I Tell Couples to Ignore the "Don’t Go to Bed Angry" Rule
Hi, I’m Reesa Morala, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective in Murrieta, CA. You’ve probably heard the classic relationship advice: "Don’t go to bed angry." It sounds noble, right? Stay up all night hashing it out until everything’s rainbows and butterflies again. Except… that’s not exactly how real relationships work.
Let’s bust this myth together. Here’s why this saying isn’t doing couples any favors and why, sometimes, the best thing you can do for your relationship is to hit the pillow—angry or not.
1. The Pressure to "Fix It Now" Can Make Things Worse
Picture this: it’s late, you’re exhausted, and you and your partner just had an argument. But instead of taking a breather, you hear that little voice: "You can’t go to bed angry! You must fix this before the clock strikes midnight!" Suddenly, it’s less about resolving the issue and more about slapping a pretty bow on it so you can check a box.
That external pressure to "solve it now" can actually backfire. When you’re racing against the clock, you’re more likely to overlook the real emotions or concerns at play. Quick fixes might feel satisfying in the moment, but they often leave the deeper issues untouched, ready to bubble up again later—probably during your next argument about whose turn it is to take out the trash.
2. Your Brain Can’t Work Through Conflict If You’re Flooded
Let’s talk about what happens to your brain during a heated argument. When emotions run high, your body can enter what’s called a "flooded" state. It’s like your logical brain takes a coffee break, leaving your survival brain in charge. Suddenly, you’re saying things you don’t mean, interpreting your partner’s words as personal attacks, and generally feeling like you’re starring in a soap opera.
That’s your body’s way of saying, "Hey, we’re not in the right headspace for this conversation." But if you’re clinging to the "don’t go to bed angry" mantra, you’re more likely to ignore those cues. And that’s when things can spiral, leading to…
3. The Risk of Ruptures and Resentments
When you force a conversation while one or both of you are flooded, the chances of a relationship rupture skyrocket. You’re more likely to say things that cut deep, and your partner is more likely to hear those words through a lens of pain and defensiveness.
Over time, these ruptures can take root, cultivating resentments that chip away at your relationship’s stability. Without active repairs, those resentments can become a breeding ground for disconnection. And let’s be honest, no one wants that.
The Antidote: Pressing Pause with Purpose
So, what’s the alternative? Instead of pushing through conflict when you’re both drained, the key is to recognize when it’s time to pause. Here’s how to do it:
Tune In to Your Body Cues: If you notice your heart racing, your voice getting louder, or your thoughts spiraling into "win at all costs" mode, it’s time to hit the brakes.
Communicate the Need for a Break: Use clear, compassionate language to let your partner know what’s happening. For example:
"My body is letting me know that I’m having a hard time accessing logic. This conversation is really important to me, and I want to talk about it further. Would it be okay for me to come back and restart this conversation tomorrow morning so I have time to calm my body and get logic back online?"
Commit to a Time to Revisit: The key to making this work is setting a tangible, committed time to pick up the conversation again. This reassures your partner that you’re not avoiding the issue; you’re just hitting pause to ensure the conversation is productive.
How Embrace Renewal Therapy Can Help
At Embrace Renewal Therapy, I specialize in couples counseling to help parents turn toward each other instead of away during challenging moments. Whether you’re navigating conflicts, dealing with disconnection, or trying to rekindle your partnership amidst the chaos of parenting, therapy offers the tools to:
Recognize and address unhelpful patterns.
Improve communication and conflict resolution skills.
Build a foundation of trust, even when life gets messy.
Located in Murrieta, CA, I offer in-person sessions for local couples and virtual telehealth sessions for anyone living in California. Together, we’ll work to move past the "don’t go to bed angry" myth and toward creating a relationship where both partners feel heard, supported, and connected.
Ready to Reconnect?
If you’re tired of running in circles with unresolved conflicts, let’s talk. Schedule a consultation with me today to see how couples counseling at Embrace Renewal Therapy can help you build the thriving partnership you deserve.
Sometimes, going to bed angry isn’t the problem—it’s how you approach the next morning that truly matters.
