Setting Boundaries During the Holidays: A Survival Guide for Parents
The holiday season can be magical — but it can also bring its own set of unique stressors for parents. From coordinating gatherings with extended family to trying to keep your own traditions alive, there’s often an overload of family expectations. And when families come with strong personalities and differing views, setting boundaries can become an emotional landmine.
As a therapist who specializes in couples therapy for parents, I see just how impactful these dynamics can be, particularly when parents are already feeling more like roommates than partners. In today’s post, let’s dive into how setting boundaries with family — and standing together as a united front in support of those boundaries — can help you and your partner reclaim the holidays as a time to connect and celebrate on your own terms.
Why Boundaries Matter (Especially with Extended Family)
Boundaries are the gift that keeps on giving, and they’re essential to maintaining a strong partnership and a grounded family dynamic. Healthy boundaries help define your family’s unique needs, even when those around you may have other expectations. And when you and your partner stand together as a united front, it reinforces the strength of your relationship and sends a message that your family’s well-being is a priority.
For parents in particular, holiday gatherings can get emotionally charged. Grandparents, aunts, and cousins might have their own plans for how you should celebrate, which can lead to added stress and guilt. This can make you feel torn between wanting to please everyone else and honoring what’s truly best for your immediate family.
The First Step: Get Clear on Your Boundaries
Before you can communicate boundaries to others, you and your partner need to get clear on what they are. Take some time to sit down together and discuss your ideal vision for the holidays. What’s most important to each of you? What traditions are non-negotiable, and where are you willing to compromise? Do you want a quiet Christmas morning at home, or would you prefer to spend the day visiting loved ones?
Once you’re on the same page, you’ll be better prepared to communicate these boundaries to family members in a way that’s both clear and compassionate. The goal isn’t to alienate anyone but to create a holiday experience that respects and honors your immediate family’s needs. Remember the best boundaries are respectful to the person you’re talking to, respectful to you, respectful to your partner, respectful to your immediate family, have a pre-decided consequence, and follow-through.
Standing Together: How to Be a United Front
When you and your partner are united in your decisions, you’ll feel more empowered to hold to them, even if they’re met with resistance from extended family. Here are some tips to help you and your partner show a united front with love, compassion, and a dash of humor.
1. Practice “We” Statements
When communicating your boundaries to family members, it’s helpful to use “we” statements rather than framing the decisions as coming from one partner. Saying, “We’ve decided to spend Christmas morning at home” feels more united and supportive than, “She wants to stay home this year.” This subtly reinforces to your family that you and your partner have made these decisions together as a team.
2. Decide How Flexible You’re Willing to Be
It’s important to figure out which boundaries are non-negotiable and where you’re willing to be a bit flexible. For instance, if you’re set on having Christmas morning at home, maybe you can agree to visit family later in the day. Or if visiting isn’t in the cards, you could arrange a pre-holiday get-together. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out — it’s about creating space for what matters most in a way that is kind, respectful, and loving.
3. Support Each Other When Boundaries Are Tested
Families can sometimes try to push or test boundaries, whether intentionally or not. In these moments, it’s vital to support each other. If someone questions your plans, let them know it’s a decision you’ve made together and that it’s important for your family’s well-being. Reaffirm your decision with a simple, “We would appreciate your support,” and then inviting them to move onto other topics. It may feel awkward at first, but staying steady shows extended family that these boundaries are both real and non-negotiable. If they continue to push, that’s where those pre-decided consequences come in and don’t leaving you feel like you have to come from a place of reactivity. Maybe those consequences look like excusing yourself from the conversation or validating their big feelings and letting them know that you’d be happy to talk further when they are at a place that they are able to access respect of differing ideas.
Why It’s Okay to Say No (Even During the Holidays)
Remember, saying “no” to extended family doesn’t mean you’re saying “no” to love or connection. Instead, you’re prioritizing the health and happiness of your immediate family. Boundaries, especially during a season filled with expectations, can create space for deeper connection within your own family unit and allow you and your partner to enjoy the holidays together.
Saying “no” to multiple gatherings, requests, or obligations can also help you make room for self-care and rest. When you set boundaries, you’re honoring your family’s core values and giving yourselves permission to celebrate in a way that truly feels right. It’s making space for your family on the priority list instead of short-changing your immediate family’s wellness.
A Quick Guide to Setting Boundaries with Extended Family During the Holidays
1. Clarify Your Core Values: Together, identify what matters most to your family during the holidays.
2. Anticipate Pushback: Prepare for resistance, and support each other in your decisions. You can get through this.
3. Communicate Early: Let family members know about your plans as soon as possible so they can adjust their expectations.
4. Keep It Light and Friendly: Use humor and warmth when setting boundaries — it’s the holidays, after all! Treating someone with love and kindness doesn’t mean giving up you.
5. Reinforce the Positive: Emphasize the “why” behind your decisions — for instance, “We’re excited to start our own traditions as a family.”
Couples Therapy for Parents: Why a United Front Matters Year-Round
If navigating the holidays has you feeling like you and your partner are speaking different languages, you’re not alone. Many parents feel like they’re in a roommate-style partnership, especially with the added stress of the holiday season. Couples therapy for parents can help you and your partner reconnect, create alignment, and learn practical tools for setting boundaries as a team.
Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective specializes in relationship counseling for parents who are navigating the complexities of parenting, extended family dynamics, and relationship stress. If you’re seeking Murrieta couples therapy for parents or need virtual couples therapy for parents in California, our goal is to help you build a thriving family system. Together, we can help you go from “roommates” to partners, equipped with the tools to create meaningful, lasting connection.
Remember: Boundaries Aren’t Walls — They’re Bridges
As you go into the holiday season, remind yourself that boundaries aren’t about exclusion. They’re a way to create connection, space, and peace within your own family. By honoring your values, setting limits, and supporting each other, you’ll be better able to enjoy this season together.
Let this holiday be about connection, laughter, and joy — on your terms. And if you find that setting boundaries is challenging, don’t hesitate to reach out. Therapy can provide the support, guidance, and insight you need to navigate the season with love, compassion, and confidence.
From all of us at Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective, here’s to a holiday season that feels just right for you and your family.
By
Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
