“Respect is not given, it is earned.” Does this sound familiar to anyone? If not this phrase, perhaps you have heard or hold a similar idea. If the answer is still no, perhaps I’ve just aged myself … regardless, a theme that I seem to be coming across, a lot, is the idea that there are caveats for who and when someone gets treated with respect. My question: Are these exceptions that are being laid out more along the lengths of justifications for our choices to not lead with respect and excuse the behavior without the culpability?

            In case you are wondering what I’m referring to, let me provide some common examples of when I’ve seen this dynamic come up most often (*Please note these are generalizations for illustration purposes). An employer or boss in the way that they talk to their employees. People over approximately 20 years old and how they talk to those roughly under 20 years of age. Customers to workers, especially in the service industry. Some at retirement age when speaking to those younger. Parents to their children, regardless of the age. Within these groups, the themes for the patterns of interaction that lead me to this notion are ones that are coming more from a place of entitlement, superiority, demand and power while lacking empathy, compassion and pleases/thank yous. Sometimes we can get stuck in the mindset that we’ve paid our dues or that someone has done wrong by us and needs to learn a lesson. Regardless of the reasons that we are rationalizing, it is a decision that we are making.

Hear me out … if you follow, talk to or have read any books by clinicians, chances are you have come across the phrase “assertive communication.” Why is assertive communication the style that your therapist is advocating for? According to an article titled “Being Assertive: Reduce Stress, Communicate Better,” written by the Mayo Clinic Staff, “assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic communication style.” With that definition, the aforementioned mindset could lack that mutual respect component. If it does, then could the case be that we are no longer operating from an assertive communication style? When we employ these exceptions, it becomes a choice to step away from an assertive communication style into one that is potentially more aggressive or passive-aggressive. It is a choice, nonetheless, up to us to make. A choice to use an alternative style to communicate our thoughts, feelings, wants or needs.

            When I send my children off to school each day, I make the request “please choose kindness, love and respect.” I do this because I believe it is a choice that we get to make on a secondly basis. And at any point we can choose to not operate from that mindset. We get to make that call. How do we want to show up? Regardless, of how others choose to show up (we can’t control them) we get to invest in how we decide to present. Now, this is not to say that we will show up as our best selves every second. We are humans, after all, that make mistakes. They are likely humans, also, who make mistakes! What it does mean, is we get to participate in our lives. If they are skills we don’t know how to enact, we get to participate in seeking out support and help to learn. If we are feeling exhausted or feeling hungry, we get to participate in figuring out how to implement structure or supports to try to address those basic needs. (*Please note: this does not include those who may be struggling to have their basic needs due to other extenuating circumstances. That is a completely different topic and soap box for another day.)

The issues that could arise with caveats is that it can become an excuse for us to move away from assertive communication and not take responsibility for the choice we are making to do so. Assertive communication involves coming from a place of respect for yourself and talking to others with respect. STOP. No caveats, no exceptions. Whether it is talking to a stranger, your child, someone younger than you or older than you. When we are moving away from respect, it is no longer assertive. Continuing to try to call it assertive is misleading to all, including ourselves.

When we start acknowledging our own choices it does a few things. It helps remove the perception that others have control over our behavior and are making us do/act in a certain way. It empowers us to begin participating in our lives. Finally, it helps us begin to start taking responsibility for our portion in interactions. Unless you are standing there alone, it is an interaction and all parties are contributing in some way. So, I’m going to ask you … how do you want to show up? Whatever your choice, you get to make it. Totally your own call. Just make sure you own that choice!

Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better - Mayo Clinic

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist