Raising kids is tough! And as many of you parents have learned, there isn’t a personalized guide for your child (wouldn’t that make life so much easier?!). So, you end up having to make one up. Now whether you are the “on the fly” type or the plan-it-out type it is hard work whichever way you want to slice it. To help, we’ve compiled a list of 10 tips to try to help you on this scary journey!

1.     Lead by example: Children learn by observing what their parents do. Scrap that old adage “do what I say not what I do” and honor the fact that children are much more observant than we give them credit for. Plus, most humans aren’t big fans of hypocrisy. Even if they don’t have the language now, hypocrisy can breed future distress in your relationship with them. If you model positive behavior and good habits, your child is more likely to adopt them and really internalize them.

2.     Establish routines: Routines provide structure and predictability in your child's life, which can help them feel secure and grounded. When we talk about routines and structure, we’re not talking about rigidity. Dependability is the key takeaway. Believe it or not, you can have flexibility and dependability at the same time!

3.     Communicate with your child: Make time to listen to your child's concerns and be open to their ideas. Allowing them the space to have their voices, emotions and opinions to be heard can teach them their worth and value. Being able to meet them with curiosity vs judgment will help encourage open and honest communication.

4.     Set boundaries: Establish clear limits and consequences for misbehavior. In the book No-Drama Discipline authors Siegel and Bryson remind us that the word discipline comes from the root meaning “to teach” and challenges us to break the habit of making punishment and discipline synonymous (xvi). With that reframe, try thinking of the consequences as what would be natural consequences for those limits being violated? This helps children understand what is expected of them as it is plainly laid out versus surprise expectations that are impossible to live up to because they didn’t know they existed. With consistency, they begin to learn forward-thinking, problem-solving skills and it encourages them to make good choices.

5.     Praise and reward positive behavior: Rewarding positive behavior with praise, rewards or privileges can reinforce good behavior and encourage your child to continue making positive choices. Who wants to keep doing any activity in a thankless environment? Do we want them to hopefully learn intrinsic satisfaction – sure! Remember, though, we are dealing with children. Intrinsic satisfaction is an expert level skill that many adults still haven’t mastered!

6.     Provide a safe and nurturing environment: Children thrive when they feel safe and secure in their environment. Safety and nurture can look different for each person. Getting to know your child’s love languages (yes, they have them too) can help you learn how to best show them they are cared for. Approaching them in a non-judgmental way and allowing them to observe that you have their back can be hugely instrumental!

7.     Foster independence: Encourage your child to take on age-appropriate responsibilities and make decisions for themselves. This helps them develop self-confidence and independence. A natural segway for this idea can come from taking the time to answer the “why” questions when you set limits or decree expectations. Then your children can begin conceptualizing “this is valuable/important because” which will allow them the opportunity to start formulating their own values and making choices from those beliefs.

8.     Be consistent: Consistency is key when it comes to parenting. Stick to the rules and consequences you have established to help your child understand what is expected of them and to avoid confusion. Remember what we said about dependability and surprise expectations? It is that important that we wanted it to have its own number. Confusion can increase the chances of anxiety developing because it breeds feeling “on-edge” as you don’t know when an uncommunicated expectation may present that you fail to meet.

9.     Show love and affection: Let your child know how much you love and appreciate them. This helps them feel valued and supported. Again, remember that with children having their own love language it may be easier for them to receive and internalize your message when we modify how we express it to their love language versus willing them to adapt to your own way of expression.

10.  Take care of yourself: Parenting can be challenging and stressful. Remembering your own self-care is just as important (counter to what other narratives may try to promote). This helps you be a better parent to your child and increases the chances that you can show up in your best capacity. When your tank is empty, it makes all the above bullet points that much harder to do. See our article on self-care tips for more ideas on beefing up this area!

            Please know this list is not exhaustive and may need to be adapted for your own life. That’s okay! The important part is your willingness to adapt and reach your full potential while allowing yourself the grace that you are human. You will make mistakes. As we all do. It is the caveat to us being humans raising other humans. So, just as your children will make mistakes and ask for understanding, so will you. Perhaps you’ll be more apt to compassion when you remember we all mess up. Know that you are not alone!

Works Cited:

No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Siegel M.D., Daniel J. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. Bantam Books Trade Paperback Edition, 2016.

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist