When you are in a relationship, it can be easy to get swept up in their lives and by proxy, their emotional experiences. Sometimes it can go to the extent of feeling similarly to what LeAnn Rimes describes in her song here “How do I live without you? I want to know. How do I breathe without you? If you ever go how do I ever, ever survive?” Although the song is about a romantic relationship, a similar idea can be found in any kind of relationship. The difficulty that may arise within this dynamic is the lack of separation between emotional experiences can become exhausting and because life happens, when you need to step away, emotionally, it can create unnecessary shock and strain.

From that struggle an idea called differentiation of self was studied and born as part of the Bowen Family Systems model. Within this idea of differentiation of self comes the idea that you can still actively be in and participate in a relationship, providing support, love and care, while still remaining on your own two feet. Working on differentiation of self is a process that involves developing the ability to maintain a balance between independence and emotional connection in relationships. Here are some steps to help you work on differentiation of self:

Reflect on your own identity: Take time to understand who you are as an individual. Reflect on your values, beliefs, strengths, and limitations. This self-reflection will form the foundation for developing a strong sense of self.

Identify patterns in relationships: Observe your patterns and dynamics in relationships, such as becoming overly dependent on others' emotions or feeling overwhelmed by conflict. Understanding these patterns will help you recognize when you are not acting from a place of self-differentiation.

Practice self-awareness: Cultivate a greater sense of self-awareness by regularly checking in with yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations in various situations. This awareness will help you recognize when you are getting emotionally enmeshed or losing sight of your own needs.

Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries for yourself in relationships. Boundaries help define your emotional and physical space, allowing you to protect your individuality while still maintaining healthy connections with others. Practice saying "no" when necessary and communicating your needs respectfully.

Manage anxiety: When faced with conflict or disagreement, anxiety can often overpower rational thinking. Learn techniques to manage anxiety, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or seeking support from a therapist. By managing anxiety, you will be better able to navigate difficult situations while staying true to yourself.

Seek support: Consider seeking help from a therapist, counselor, or support group. They can provide guidance, perspectives, and tools to help you work on differentiation of self. A professional can assist in uncovering and addressing deeper emotional issues that may be impacting your ability to differentiate.

Remember, developing differentiation of self is a lifelong journey. Be patient with yourself, celebrate small victories, and seek continual growth and self-reflection. As you and your relationship practice your own differentiation of self, you will see that the relationship can flourish and be fortified.

By

Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist